if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
