the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize