You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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