well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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