my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize