Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
