All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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