i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
