i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
