You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
