I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
