Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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