I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize