Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
