sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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