Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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