you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
