We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
