I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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