I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
