Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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