I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
