he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
