I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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