what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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