I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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