Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
