I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
wat bout pragnant strippers??
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
