Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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