bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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