I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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