im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
