The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize