tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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