I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize