If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
