I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize