Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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