wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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