If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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