I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
