I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
