pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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