he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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