I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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