Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
