you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
