I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize