Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
