thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
