o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
