they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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