Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
