just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
